Codependency
By Dr. CrabbThe psychiatric world defines codependency as an irrational, unhealthy relationship where one or both parties are emotionally dependent upon each other.
The term codependency is a word that is frequently used in the psychiatric literature, non-technical literature and especially in many of the self-help books and booklets. It is a term that is used enormously but understood very little.
According to the psychiatric world, the codependent relationship can be characterized by the following:
Concealing destructive behavior in the other person (alcoholism, substance abuse, etc.). This would be a wife calling her husband’s boss and telling him that her husband is sick and cannot come to work today; when, in fact, her husband is hung-over from a night of drinking alcohol. The wife steps in and deflects from her husband the potential consequences from his drinking habits.
Overlooking the other person’s major flaws. This would be a husband overlooking that his wife binge-eats then purges by saying to himself and others that she is a great mother and takes such good care of the house. The husband is choosing to focus on the wrong thing.
One party taking responsibility for the other person’s irresponsibility. This would be parents making an excuse to the Youth Pasto that their child was not at the youth activity because they forgot to tell him when the activity started when in fact they are covering up for their child who is out on the town high on drugs.
One party using the other party to meet their needs. This would be a mother who looks past her son’s pornography addiction which as not allowed him to keep a consistent job for months so that the mother may continue to have her son at home where she can care for his every need. This satisfies her feeling of inadequacy by having her son depend on her for his livelihood.
Finding identity in the relationship. Both individuals feel they need the relationship and cannot exist, at least productively, without it. In this instance, one of the individuals in the relationship and sometimes both or a close friend to both parties diagnosis the relationship as a codependent relationship in response to exposure to some literature they came across and/or while viewing a self-help program on TV.
There are some very definitive characteristics of a codependent person. Some of those characteristics are:
Very clingy
Complaining
Hard to reason with
Hard to get along with
Easily crushed, emotionally
Poor self-image
Consumed with making the relationship work. This can lead to harassment and/or stalking.
Enables and excuses the other person’s destructive behavior.
Basically, the codependent person is a man-pleaser and therefore cannot please God,
“So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.” (Romans 8:8)
The Bible is clear about this individual and informs us that this person lives in the fear of man. His fear of man is stronger than his fear of God. The fear of God should be priority in all Christians. Here are five steps that I find in the Bible that will assist a codependent person in being made free from a life that is dominated by the fear of man:
Study the Bible daily, memorize Scripture, and daily meditate on the Scripture to help gain an understanding of the sinfulness and consequences of a life dominated by the fear of man. “But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.” (Psalm 1:2)
Identify how the assumption of the world and particularly the people in one’s past who have intensified this fear of man. Examine the heart to identify personal desires that have motivated this fear of man. “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24) Use this information to make and implement a plan to put off the fear of man.
Learn the fear of the Lord through the study of God’s Word and meditation on God’s character. The person who fears God will fear nothing else. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (II Timothy 1:7)
Rejoice that God has covered the shame, given protection from danger, provided acceptance, and filled the heart with His love. “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the same, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)
Replace this fear of man with Biblical love for others out of a desire to please God. Jesus said, “Love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.” (John 15:12-14).
As one reads and studies the Bible, he will come to find out that God wants His children dependent upon Him and no one or nothing else. Our identity should not be found in someone or something else (spouse, family, career, ministry, etc.). Rather, a Christian’s identity should be solely found in our Saviour, Jesus will never change, “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.” (Hebrews 13:8) A person’s identity will be consistent from one day to the next. Every Christian needs this type of consistency in life.
Children of God are not to be deceitful. The codependent person consistently lies to help cover-up for the other person involved in the relationship. As Christians, EACH MAN IS commanded by our Lord to confront sinful behavior and not to cover it up or make excuses for it. “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13)
The codependent lifestyle obscures personal responsibility. There is a lot of blame-shifting going on in this form of a relationship. Our Bible teaches very plainly that believers are to take full responsibility for all thoughts, words, and actions. “So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.” (Romans 14:12)
The codependent relationship basically is a relationship where an individual uses another to find fulfillment and have his needs met. Believers in Christ are instructed not to use others but to be a servant to all. Jesus instructed us to be servants as He in Mark, “…whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: And whosoever of you will be chiefest, shall be servant of all.” (Mark 10:43-44)
I find two types of codependency:
#1 Codependent dependent
#2 Codependent independent
First, we will look at the codependent dependent individual. This individual looks outside of themselves for purpose and happiness. Their life is about conditional or performance-based love. They are looking to please man. According to Scripture we are unable to please God and man at the same time. “For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)
A biblical example of codependent dependent is Leah, “And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.” (Genesis 29:31-35)
Leah probably felt inferior to Rachel. Leah was hated in verse 31. Leah tried to please man in verse 32,34. Finally, she sought to please God in verse 35.
Another example is found in the life of King Asa. “In the six and thirtieth year of the reign of Asa Baasha king of Israel came up against Judah, and built Ramah, to the intent that he might let none go out or come in to Asa king of Judah. Then Asa brought out silver and gold out of the treasures of the house of the LORD and of the king's house, and sent to Benhadad king of Syria, that dwelt at Damascus, saying, There is a league between me and thee, as there was between my father and thy father: behold, I have sent thee silver and gold; go, break thy league with Baasha king of Israel, that he may depart from me. And Benhadad hearkened unto king Asa, and sent the captains of his armies against the cities of Israel; and they smote Ijon, and Dan, and Abelmaim, and all the store cities of Naphtali. And it came to pass, when Baasha heard it, that he left off building of Ramah, and let his work cease. Then Asa the king took all Judah; and they carried away the stones of Ramah, and the timber thereof, wherewith Baasha was building; and he built therewith Geba and Mizpah. And at that time Hanani the seer came to Asa king of Judah, and said unto him, Because thou hast relied on the king of Syria, and not relied on the LORD thy God, therefore is the host of the king of Syria escaped out of thine hand. Were not the Ethiopians and the Lubims a huge host, with very many chariots and horsemen? yet, because thou didst rely on the LORD, he delivered them into thine hand. For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him. Herein thou hast done foolishly: therefore from henceforth thou shalt have wars.” (2 Chronicles 16:1-9)
Asa started with his heart right with God. King Asa v. Ethiopians. He relied on God. In King Asa 36th year of his reign his heart’s focused changed. He relied on another (King Benhadad) instead of God. The codependent dependent has a problem with their personal identity. Leah thought that her identity was in her husband. King Asa thought his identity was in his successs. Our identity as believers is found in Jesus Christ. We need to realize who we are in Jesus Christ, rely on Him, and walk in the Spirit.
Second, we will look at the codependent independent individual. This person acts as the hero or the rescuer. This individual is frequently seen in the ministry or in the medical profession or in parents. To this person helping others comes naturally. Most do not realize that they have crossed the line into codependency. They go from crisis to crisis with a strong desire to fix the situation and/or to fix the person. They have an underlying desire for all things to be “fine.” An example can be seen in the lives of King Ahab and Queen Jezebel. “And it came to pass after these things, that Naboth the Jezreelite had a vineyard, which was in Jezreel, hard by the palace of Ahab king of Samaria. And Ahab spake unto Naboth, saying, Give me thy vineyard, that I may have it for a garden of herbs, because it is near unto my house: and I will give thee for it a better vineyard than it; or, if it seem good to thee, I will give thee the worth of it in money. And Naboth said to Ahab, The LORD forbid it me, that I should give the inheritance of my fathers unto thee. And Ahab came into his house heavy and displeased because of the word which Naboth the Jezreelite had spoken to him: for he had said, I will not give thee the inheritance of my fathers. And he laid him down upon his bed, and turned away his face, and would eat no bread. But Jezebel his wife came to him, and said unto him, Why is thy spirit so sad, that thou eatest no bread? And he said unto her, Because I spake unto Naboth the Jezreelite, and said unto him, Give me thy vineyard for money; or else, if it please thee, I will give thee another vineyard for it: and he answered, I will not give thee my vineyard. And Jezebel his wife said unto him, Dost thou now govern the kingdom of Israel? arise, and eat bread, and let thine heart be merry: I will give thee the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite. So she wrote letters in Ahab's name, and sealed them with his seal, and sent the letters unto the elders and to the nobles that were in his city, dwelling with Naboth. And she wrote in the letters, saying, Proclaim a fast, and set Naboth on high among the people: And set two men, sons of Belial, before him, to bear witness against him, saying, Thou didst blaspheme God and the king. And then carry him out, and stone him, that he may die. And the men of his city, even the elders and the nobles who were the inhabitants in his city, did as Jezebel had sent unto them, and as it was written in the letters which she had sent unto them. They proclaimed a fast, and set Naboth on high among the people. And there came in two men, children of Belial, and sat before him: and the men of Belial witnessed against him, even against Naboth, in the presence of the people, saying, Naboth did blaspheme God and the king. Then they carried him forth out of the city, and stoned him with stones, that he died. Then they sent to Jezebel, saying, Naboth is stoned, and is dead. And it came to pass, when Jezebel heard that Naboth was stoned, and was dead, that Jezebel said to Ahab, Arise, take possession of the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite, which he refused to give thee for money: for Naboth is not alive, but dead. And it came to pass, when Ahab heard that Naboth was dead, that Ahab rose up to go down to the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite, to take possession of it.” (1 Kings 21:1-16)
Trying to completely meet another’s individual needs in the flesh will fail. They thrive on pleasing people. The rescuer is trying to rescue themselves from their feelings of inadequacy. If things are not done my way then they are being done wrong.
Another example is found with the disciples. “And John answered him, saying, Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us. But Jesus said, Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me. For he that is not against us is on our part…” (Mark 9:38-40)
Instead of focusing on others we need to focus on fulfilling God’s will for our lives, our families, and our ministries.
Yes, we are in the business of rescuing and recovering but we must remember Who does the healing.
Jesus only can save.
Jesus is the only rescuer.
Jesus is the only healer.
We can have godly relationships with others without becoming codependent.
The desire to help and assist is a virtuous one if done in the right spirit.
An example of this is found in Galatians, “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:1-2)
We are directed in Scripture to be God’s instrument in restoring other believers.
Qualifications – “spiritual”
We are to “restore” – “to set a broken bone”
God does the healing.
We are to help position our fellow believer so that proper healing may occur.
An example is found in the lives of Moses and the children of Israel in Exodus, “And all the congregation of the children of Israel journeyed from the wilderness of Sin, after their journeys, according to the commandment of the LORD, and pitched in Rephidim: and there was no water for the people to drink. Wherefore the people did chide with Moses, and said, Give us water that we may drink. And Moses said unto them, Why chide ye with me? wherefore do ye tempt the LORD? And the people thirsted there for water; and the people murmured against Moses, and said, Wherefore is this that thou hast brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our cattle with thirst? And Moses cried unto the LORD, saying, What shall I do unto this people? they be almost ready to stone me. And the LORD said unto Moses, Go on before the people, and take with thee of the elders of Israel; and thy rod, wherewith thou smotest the river, take in thine hand, and go. Behold, I will stand before thee there upon the rock in Horeb; and thou shalt smite the rock, and there shall come water out of it, that the people may drink. And Moses did so in the sight of the elders of Israel. And he called the name of the place Massah, and Meribah, because of the chiding of the children of Israel, and because they tempted the LORD, saying, Is the LORD among us, or not?” (Exodus 17:1-7)
Israel was overtaken in a fault – chiding or murmuring.
Moses helped position them by striking the rock so that water would come forth.
The children of Israel had to drink the water for themselves.
The healing came from God Who is the Living Water.
Another example is found with the four friends who brought the sick man to Jesus in Mark, “And again he entered into Capernaum after some days; and it was noised that he was in the house. And straightway many were gathered together, insomuch that there was no room to receive them, no, not so much as about the door: and he preached the word unto them. And they come unto him, bringing one sick of the palsy, which was borne of four. And when they could not come nigh unto him for the press, they uncovered the roof where he was: and when they had broken it up, they let down the bed wherein the sick of the palsy lay. When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee. But there were certain of the scribes sitting there, and reasoning in their hearts, Why doth this man thus speak blasphemies? who can forgive sins but God only? And immediately when Jesus perceived in his spirit that they so reasoned within themselves, he said unto them, Why reason ye these things in your hearts? Whether is it easier to say to the sick of the palsy, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and take up thy bed, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (he saith to the sick of the palsy,) I say unto thee, Arise, and take up thy bed, and go thy way into thine house. And immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went forth before them all; insomuch that they were all amazed, and glorified God, saying, We never saw it on this fashion.” (Mark 2:1-12)
They helped position the man for healing.
They did for the man what the man could not do for himself.
Jesus did the healing.
When we attempt to do the rescuing, we hinder people from learning the lessons God is trying to teach them.
We end up placing ourselves between God and people.
Conclusion:
#1 Recognize our condition
“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)
#2 Renew our minds
“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” (Romans 12:1-2)
#3 Reconcile others
“And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation…” (2 Corinthians 5:18)
#4 We are to rejoice
“In thy name shall they rejoice all the day: and in thy righteousness shall they be exalted.” (Psalm 89:16)
“Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.” (Philippians 4:4)
Final example:
“Then Peter, turning about, seeth the disciple whom Jesus loved following; which also leaned on his breast at supper, and said, Lord, which is he that betrayeth thee? Peter seeing him saith to Jesus, Lord, and what shall this man do? Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me.”
(John 21:20-22)
